You, Me and the Bottle Makes Three
by algie888
Summary: A Hal and Ned friendship fic. Hollow Crown. Title from Big, Bad, Voodoo Daddy.


_You, Me and the Bottle Makes Three_

Hal glanced down at the cup of sack in his hands, the liquid cooling the small wooden cup so that is was a blessing in the noonday sun. He sighed, and knocked it back viciously, placing it down in front of himself in victory.

"Five and thirty, Ned," he proclaimed, smirking at his friend's obvious irritation. "I do believe that I have won this battle of ours."

"Aye, as you always do," muttered Ned, pursing his lips and slumping his shoulders in defeat. "Why is it that you may drink a river's worth of sack, yet never feel any effect?"

"It is not _feeling_ the effect," cut in Falstaff, placing a meaty hand on each of the youths' shoulders, "but how to _show _the effect. If one masks all feeling to the world, how is one to know if you are drunk on sack or not?" With that, the older man stole one of Hal's cups, and drained it, belching quietly.

"And you would know all about that," mocked Hal, earning him a reproachful glare from Falstaff. "Ned, perhaps it is true what Falstaff says. Or perhaps you hold your drink like a woman!"

Ned made a loud noise of annoyance, and cuffed Hal over the head playfully. "You are lucky you are my prince!" he laughed, settling in his chair with his feet on the table. "Otherwise, you would find yourself cowering in your boots, lest you feel the wrath of Ned Poinse!"

Hal snorted, and sat on the chair opposite, mimicking his friend's carefree posture. Ned grinned at him wickedly, and then turned to the crowd of women by the doorway, waving at one of them. "Rosie? Rosie!"

A blonde haired girl turned, and made her way through the throng with a tray in one hand and a kerchief in another. "Yes, Master Poinse?"

Ned patted his lap, and threw cows' eyes at her, his expression mournful. "I have been feeling rather lonely of late, Rosie."

The girl threw her head back and laughed, pinching his cheek. "You devil," she giggled, smiling at him fondly before perching on the edge of his lap delicately.

Ned laughed at her reluctance to sit by him, and thrust his voice into a falsetto. "Oh, very prim, Lady Rose. One might almost, with your heartily royal behavior- very befitting a lady- mistake you for our Hal."

"Oi," Hal warned, leaning over to cuff Ned's head, whilst Rosie laughed. "I am no Lady, Ned. I trust you to remember that!"

"Then why resemble one so?"

Hal sighed with annoyance, and Ned looped his arm around Rosie's waist, pulling her in closer and nuzzling her neck. "I spoke the truth, Rosie. I have been feeling very, very, lonely."

Rose stood abruptly, a devil in her smile. "If you feel so lonely, Ned, why not enlist the help of the ever-lovely Lady Hal?" she asked, and sashayed away from them, leaving Falstaff in hysterics with the two youths rather irate.

"This is why I dislike women of wit," confessed Hal, leaning forwards. "They always turn against you. You are best off with a common girl, Ned, one whose wit matches your own."

Ned groaned, and reached for the cup of sack. "That's two ladies today that have insulted me," he cried, sipping at the alcoholic liquid. "One would begin to think that they have no interest in me anymore!"

"I have reason to wonder why they would be interested in you in the first place, Ned."

"You wound me, brother," exclaimed Ned, and placed a palm against his forehead dramatically.

Hal frowned, and tilted his head to the side. "You have never before named me your brother, Ned," he said seriously. "And never have I you."

Ned shrugged. "A brother, not perhaps in blood, but sure a brother of the heart," he said, and clapped his friend on the shoulder.

"Truly?" asked Hal, raising his eyebrows. "I thought of you as but a mere friend until now, but-" he raised his voice now, as Ned's expression began to set into one of anger, "and it is this but that you should listen to. But now that you have mentioned these words, they sowed seeds of thought, and you, Ned, are a truer brother to me than any of blood. A brother of heart, not only, but a brother of soul."

Falstaff belched, and the two turned to him, shocked from their conversation. The old man was swaying in his seat, rolling his eyes at the two. "Sack makes you both like women," proclaimed the man, shaking his head. "This dialogue is far too sober for such a place of stupor. Come, drink, be merry."

"The man is skilled in execution," complained Ned. "Execution in affection and brotherly moments."

Hal snorted, and stood, following Falstaff to where Rosie stood with Francis, pouring sack for paying customers. Ned spotted the girl, and snaked an arm about her waist, causing her to stumble and spill her tray of drink. She glared at him.

"Your sense of amusement is sorely lacking," she accused, picking the cups up from the floor.

"Nonsense!" admonished Ned, grinning at her. "I find this perfectly suitable entertainment. Don't you, Hal?"

"You needn't have sent her sprawling," Hal said, but smiled all the same. "Perhaps you should not be frightened so easily, Rosie. Screaming out at the slightest movement is not a good habit to develop."

"Neither is scaring beautiful ladies half to death," she proclaimed, standing haughtily.

Ned laughed. "I shall amend that habit once I lay eyes upon one. Until then," he shrugged, "there is no stopping me!"

"Hal!" complained Rosie, bunching her fists. "He is mocking me!"

"What would you have me do?" he asked, grinning at her. Then, a thought struck him, and he raised his arms high and his voice loud. "This good lady has been mocked by Ned Poinse," he cried, commanding attention from the customers. Rosie groaned good naturedly. "What would you have me do?"

"Strike him with your sword!" cried Rosie, beaming at Hal. "Prevent him from wounding any other lady with his rapier tongue!"

"Hal," warned Ned, a grin escaping onto his features. "You would not."

"The lady fair has asked I, the good knight, to rid her of a demon!" yelled Hal, thrusting his fists into the air amid the cheers of the crowd. He bent at the waist to lower his voice, and said in a husky tone, "For I am such a good knight."

Rosie coloured, and turned to the side, pressing her lips together to refrain from laughing nervously. Ned frowned, "See here, Hal! You may attempt to seduce the sweet girl, but I must be defeated? I see no fairness in this game!"

Hal's eyes widened dramatically, his voice changing to one of the archetypical knight- booming, loud, honourable. "See here! The beast speaketh!"

Ned snorted, turning to face Rosie. "Come, Rosie. Which one of us is more beast than man?"

"Oh, happy dagger!" proclaimed the knight Hal, holding the wooden spoon he had plucked from the table moments earlier, "Dismember! Destroy! Save the lady fair!" And with that, Hal thrust the spoon in the gap where Ned's forearm grazed his side, making it appear to the world that the man had been brutally stabbed.

"Ah, no," said Ned in a deadpan. Hal tutted with annoyance.

"You would never be a fine actor. The spoon here steals the starring role," he announced, and pressed a swift kiss to Rosie's temple. "Are you safe, my sweet lady?"

"Safer and safer," she said, and smiled at Ned. "It does not hurt to much, my demon?"

"No, no," Ned said, wincing dramatically. "Naught but my pride."

"That's all fine, then," Hal snickered, and Ned shot the prince a dry look. Hal smirked at his companion, and turned to Rosie, his eyebrow quirking upwards. "I claim," he called to the crowd which had just begun to disperse, "my prize!" And he tilted Rosie's head to face his with a curled forefinger, kissing her roughly.

"You taste of peaches on your tongue," he said contemplatively, licking his lips after pulling away.

Rosie had her face scrunched up in disgust. "And you taste of sack." Ned laughed loudly at this point, and Rosie shot him a dry look. "I doubt you taste of Eden yourself, Master Poinse."

"We would need to test that, Rosie, wouldn't we?" asked Ned, grinning at her. Rosie sighed, and pressed a kiss to both their cheeks (causing disgruntled groans from them both), moving away.

The two were childish, yes. Suave, yes. But Ned had an honest heart and honest intentions, whilst Hal was so childlike and innocent that one could not help but be drawn to his naivety. The idea of the crown sitting upon either of their heads was an impossible thought to her. Her boy, Hal, as king?

Perhaps not.

It would take quite a lot more than kisses and women and sack to make that man mature.


End file.
